I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
