i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
