where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
