wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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