I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
