No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
