last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
