bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
