JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Liz is crying about burritos again.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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