I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
