I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
