you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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