I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
