I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
We talked him into tasing himself.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Randomize
