my mouth tastes like poor choices
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
