True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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