Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Randomize
