respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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