period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
