my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
