Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize