I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It's rum buckets o'clock
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
