My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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