I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
