its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
You're like the curious george of whores
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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