I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
