He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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