I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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