I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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