I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
