I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
