I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
