she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
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