It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
