mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
