I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
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