Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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