my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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