she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
