Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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