omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
