He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Randomize
