why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I'm really busy with my period
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