i permit you to call me
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
