Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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