id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
