I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize