I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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