My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
