I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
