he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize