he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
