bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
