Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
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