Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
