omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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