I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
