I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
if only i could text you this smell
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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